Poverty

It has been striking me, for quite some time at that, at how poor I actually am. Never in my life, before now, did I expect myself to reach such a haggardly state. I told this to some friends here and they thought it was a wild and exaggerated notion. I on the contrary find the thought quite amusing.

And somehow I cannot get rid of it. It hits me when I go grocery shopping and wait for 15 minutes for the bus to come, when I take that back pack of mine as if I were going hiking for a month and then have to carry all the stuff on my back. It hits me when I clean my apartment, every inch of it. When I cancel plans to make fancy trips. When I don't buy something I really like, when I want to run home and I know I won't. It is hitting me now most when I have a stupid ache in a tooth that my doctor had supposedly killed and I'm opting to live on obsolete medicine rather than go for the exorbitant trip to the dentist. Fine twist for the child of a doctor!

Why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
There should be sunshine after rain
These things have always been the same

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Theres so many different worlds
So many differents suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Confessions??

I just HAVE to write this down! Before the emotion flies away, lost in some forgotten corner of my memory. Just came across the Orkut profile of this girl who was/is the girlfriend of a good friend of mine. I had absolutely no idea what she was like till now, and even now her pic and profile are but scant sketches. Also since this is the only girl he ever went out with, had no idea what he would settle for.

My first reaction is simply :O :O I just can't believe it! I had thought this girl would be gorgeous to begin with, simply breathtaking! Given the cribs IITian guys have with IITian girls not looking good, and their obsession with all the non -IIT women, I had come to believe they would go for and get a stunner. What binds people together is intellectual similarities, ideological common ground, the ability to understand each other and similar outlook. If all that doesn't come easy then at the very least they would go for looks, was what I was convinced about!!

Nature maybe? But from everything I've heard about this girl, she isn't an angel!

Needless to say I'm stumped!

But more than that I am horrified and disgusted at myself! In all of this I seem to be the shallowest person! Judging that girl by her orkut pic alone, assuming the right to analyse other people's affairs and on what ground? Looks?

When did I become so hollow, so meaningless, so flimsy? When did I start looking at people as if they were objects of scrutiny and that too only skin deep?!!

There was a time when I was not this. I was a fat, lousy dresser with messy hair, in a pair of jeans and shirt or some suit, not giving a second glance at the unnecessarily long mirror in my room. But I didn't care! That's it. I could wear purple with yellow and not give a damn! I didn't care what anyone else looked like either....I had the knack of looking straight into a person's being and picking out people that way.

Today I go to the gym, whenever I can. I rue the fact that my bathroom has only 3/4 of a full mirror. I go shopping to buy skirts and heels. I plan to get fancy haircuts done before my hopeful rendezvous with the beach. I splurge money on jewellery which I flaunt whenever I can!

Was this what I was brought up to be? I am mighty scared the answer might be No!

:)

Well Swato, Jyo and others...won't stop blogging but will blog sporadically or erratically, when I feel I have something of worth to write :P

At rest.

Somehow I feel this space has lost its meaning or the original reason with which I started writing. My posts keep flitting between being a personal -diary entry and a composition.

I see little point in continuing, so will largely stop posting.

Even on the rare occasions I do write, it will be more for the sake of voicing opinions that have nowhere else to go or dedicate some vacuum to an event that left its mark on me.

But mostly it is a bye from/for me now.